After all these years, I still dream about you.

Discussion in 'Dating & Relationships' started by storm_ina_C_cup, May 28, 2010.

  1. storm_ina_C_cup

    storm_ina_C_cup Registered Member

    Okay, I'm not too sure where this actual thread would fit in, so because this particular person was a past flame, I thought D & R was the right place for it?

    As some of you know, I'm married. I'm happily married and content within my marriage and the relationship I share with my husband.
    ...However, there's something I feel terrible about hanging over my head; I keep dreaming (for years - even before I met my husband) about an ex of mine. He was my first true love, we were friends since the 7th grade and dated on and off thru-out our late teens and twenties but the way I ended things left very-little-to-no "closure". In fact, we tried getting back together when I moved back home to MA in early 00' but I ended up pulling out at the last minute; something told me what was in the past must stay in the past. Then a few years ago (after I was married and had my daughter) I recieved an email from him telling me how he felt all these years... I can't explain how it made me feel inside but I told my husband and showed him the email. My husband actually felt for him and said to me, "You just have to accept that this was his time to say how he felt; he may not have been able to sit down and put his thoughts and feelings into words until just recently; he'll eventually move on. Poor chap".

    Anyway, it's been years, I can honestly say that I don't feel anything for him any longer; in fact, I can't say I've felt anything for him (apart from fondness in a friendly kind of way) for many years; although I still remember as if it were yesterday, that overwhelming feeling that I used to love him, from time to time...(usually after a dream).

    For the last. . .oh, I don't know?. . .10+ years I've drempt about him probably about 3 times a month; it's never sexual, just cuddling him, holding hands, talking to him about why we split up and I actually see it in his eyes how much he loved me and then the dream ends abruptly, like we didn't get anything accomplished or settled when we spoke. Then the dream begins allllllll over again later on in the month.

    So, my question to you, is, has this happend to anyone here and if so how do you get these dreams to stop!?!:lol:

  2. idisrsly

    idisrsly I'm serious V.I.P. Lifetime

    Oh dear, that is inconvenient! And bizarre.
    I'm no expert, but from a layman point of view, it would certainly appear that you need closure. You say he wrote this e-mail to you a few years ago. Do you know if he is with someone atm? I have a faint suspicion that he might have moved on after that mail he sent you. Maybe because you have not said your peace, it is still an open issue. Maybe you also need to send him a mail (nothing secret ofc, show your husband). Write to him and tell him how you felt then and how you feel now (happily married, etc).

    I think you need to do something to get your release. The human mind is a strange thing. This does not mean that you are supposed to be with him, blah blah blah. I think this really just means you've not let him go completely yet!

    Good luck with this my friend!
  3. Sorrel

    Sorrel Registered Member

    Oh my god, Storm, I've just read a novel about exactly the same situation! They both married other partners, were happy, but kept in touch a little over the years. They marry in their 60s when both first partners have died.:D

    But seriously, two things:

    1. True love never dies, in my opinion, and you might be going through Robert Frost's musings on "The Path Not Taken", unconsciously exploring that path and its possibilities. In that case, you'd be advised to take it for what it is, a necessary unconscious, involuntary working of the brain which you can't and shouldn't try to stop. It need not interfere with your waking life and love and you should not feel guilty or disturbed. The human heart has deep, winding caverns, which makes us so complex and wonderful, though it also causes us distress and confusion at times.

    2. This dream could be about something entirely different with which you are struggling: people and events in dreams are often just symbols for something totally different. It would take a qualified therapist, specialised in dream interpretation to answer your question and get to the roots.

    In either case, you have my best wishes, and I'm sure you will find your way through this.
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  4. storm_ina_C_cup

    storm_ina_C_cup Registered Member

    My husband encouraged me to email him back about how I feel and felt but I couldn't. I had nothing to say. Honestly. So I thought?...(obviously my subconsscious is telling me otherwise).:-/

    I know he's been on and off with a couple girls but nothing ever lasts. I know this because he's good friends with my second-eldest step-brother and will bring me up once in a while in conversation.

    In that email, he sent me a youtube clip of a scene in the film, Vanilla Sky (with the song "Sweetness Follows" by REM playing in the background); where Tom Cruise runs after Penelope Cruz in the streets and drops to his knees when he sees her kissing somone else... ugh. It really tugs at your heart strings. He is such a good guy, you know? He deserves to be happy, not still in this situation.

    I kind of agree with you though, closure is probably what I need since it's the same thing over and over and over again in my dream, but I can't bring myself to email him or phone him and talk about it. I mean, why stir something up that has been left to lie all these years? Sometimes you're just better off moving on and letting go than bringing it all back and starting the process all over again.

    I sense I'm rambling on a bit...:shifteyes:
    Sorry. <3
    Thank goodness it's not interfering with my waking life and love life; if that were the case, I'd be in some serious trouble.

    I honestly don't think it has anything to do with something entirely different going on in my life; it's been way, way, way too long and it's the same kind of dream over and over and over again for the last 10+ years... But then again, I'm no shrink and I could be wrong?

    He was my first true love, that is for sure, but I've long since moved on and if I had to sit here and make a choice between him and my husband right now as I'm typing this, I'd choose my husband in a heartbeat a thousand times over. He's the one for me, this I know for sure.:love:
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  5. CaptainObvious

    CaptainObvious Son of Liberty V.I.P.

    Wow, this is so weird. About three weeks ago one of my ex-girlfriends who just recently got divorced, ran into my sister at the mall and after talking for awhile told my sister that she still dreams about me all the time and thinks about our past relationship. I don't dream about her but I do think about her from time to time, just wondering how she's doing and hope she's doing well.

    I didn't know what to say when my sister told me this and still not sure what to make of it, not that I'm thinking about contacting her but I just kind of feel weird about the whole situation. Does that make sense?
  6. storm_ina_C_cup

    storm_ina_C_cup Registered Member

    It makes perfect sense.:)

    hmmm, Did you guys not have any closure when your relationship came to an end?

    Why do you think you still think about her from time to time? Did you love her?
  7. CaptainObvious

    CaptainObvious Son of Liberty V.I.P.

    I was madly in love with her and no, we didn't have any closure. I think about her in the sense that I hope she's happy and things are going well for her. I don't dream about her like apparently she dreams about me though.

    I ran into her at a Barnes and Noble around Christmas time and we spoke for a couple of minutes, like how have you been? where are you working now? stuff like that. I don't know how to explain how I felt, it was weird seeing her, not that I would EVER leave my wife and go back to her.
  8. AngelsPeak

    AngelsPeak Wanna play?

    If you loved someone that deeply, I don't see how they couldn't pop back into your mind from time to time, whether it be the waking hours or while sleeping.
    I'd equate it somewhat to a physical scar. Even if you don't always see it, it's always there waiting to remind you of the pain you endured to receive it. If that same scar were to open and bleed, the blood would be the same, only less of it and not lasting as long.
    Memories (especially the painful ones) tend to be this way. They open when you least expect them and give your heart a shocking jolt of "what was", but each time it's a bit less enduring than before, until eventually each reawakening is less than the time before.
    I'd say the fact that he still surfaces in your mind, Storm, has to do with you having the ability to love so deeply. It shows that your emotions run deep, and I'd say that makes you one of the lucky ones.:)
  9. EllyDicious

    EllyDicious made of AMBIGUITY V.I.P. Lifetime

    wow I'm kind of surprised you told your husband about this!
    kudos to you because I don't know if I'd be able to tell him. I'd be afraid if he got it wrong.
    What was your husband's reaction when you first told him about this dream?
  10. storm_ina_C_cup

    storm_ina_C_cup Registered Member

    <deep sigh>

    yes, I am an emotional human being and am very sensitive, though not everyone is allowed to see this side of me. Just a couple chosen few.

    I'd say letting him go was painful, each and every time- especially the last and final good-bye...(in my 20's). It had to be one of thee most emotional days I've ever felt, even to the present day. I remember our last and final break-up as if it were yesterday.:embarassed:
    Trust plays a HUGE factor in being able to tell your partner things and being able to accept a situation (such as this one) for what it is and not what it's not. Fortunately for me, my husband doesn't read into things; he sees things for what they are. He knew all about my ex. . .well, not everything but knew a large chunk about our history, so I guess when I got this email it came to no surprize to him; he also felt some compassion and empathy for him as well, so..

    When I first told him about the dreams, he made a couple comments, like, "Great, I've got to share my bed and my wife with another man" kind of thing but once he knew it bothered me he just basically said that there was a reason for it and that I needed to sort it out, what ever that may be. He encouraged me to phone / email him but I just didn't want to dig up the past; I wanted to let dead dogs lie, you know?
    Last edited: May 28, 2010

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