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Abusive Relationships

Hilander

Free Spirit
Staff member
V.I.P.
This thing with Ray Rice got me to thinking about this.

I really feel sorry for anyone in a abusive relationship, verbally or physically. I really don't understand why they don't leave especially if its physical abuse. Verbal abuse will hurt and scar you emotionally but physical abuse will put you in your grave.

Then I find it odd the abused will stick up for the abuser and even make excuses for them. Make it out to be their own fault. Is it the Stockholm Syndrome, I don't know. They keep hoping for change but often these people continue to abuse unless they get a real shock to the system.

Men can be the one that is being abused too so this isn't just about women being abused. Knew a guy once his wife went to his job and put a gun to his head threatening him. Heard she treated him pretty badly. He stayed because of their daughter. Haven't seen these people in years, sometimes I wonder if she got help, finally killed him or he left.

Why do you think people stay? Ever been a witness to abuse or been abused? Thoughts?
 
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Elanor

Registered Member
I think this is a very complicated subject. Domestic violence contains nearly all types of abuse, and the victim just gets worn down until they just don't know how to get out of the situation. They may be made to feel they aren't worthy of being in a proper loving relationship, or they are just too scared that they will be found if they try to leave.

In my last job, I worked alongside people who helped women in domestic violence situations. Most of the women I met had no self-confidence whatsoever. My role was about the children, and helping the Mum's to play and interact, and some of them took a long time to trust in us and talk to us.

I grew up in a domestic violence household. I have heard people say "why don't they just leave?" which I find quite insulting, especially if they don't understand. My Mum went through so much crap from my Dad, but she stayed because she was convinced her children needed a father, and he made her feel worthless. He never hurt me or my brother, I was scared of him because of what I saw him do, and it took the realisation of how me and my brother felt about him for him to leave, as well as my telling him too. I think knowing how we felt finally gave her the strength she needed. This was when I was 14, and old enough to understand. The best day of my life was when he left, it was a relief knowing we could be ourselves, and that my Mum was free from him.

It still makes me very emotional to think about it, but it has also contributed to who I am today, and makes me quite resilient, and if a guy shows signs of being like my Dad then I am gone. I think it is one of those situations where you can never truly understand it unless you live it. I understand why people think that someone in that situation should just leave, but it is when they don't even try to understand it that the attitude really annoys me.
 

The_Chameleon

Grandmaster
All abuse is emotional abuse. That is to say even physical abuse inflicts serious emotional injury. This form of injury over time can quickly damage a persons self-image. It is almost like a form of brainwashing. If you treat someone like garbage for long enough, they start to see themselves as such. The lies and manipulation that generally come with abuse leave the individual feeling unworthy or incapable of finding someone better to be in relationship with. The emotional impact of abuse also makes the need for genuine love and respect even more intense while at the same time disrupting judgment. The result is often a victim who is emotionally defeated and so desperate to have a significant other that they will believe the defamatory propaganda perpetrated by the abuser.

Some who are abused are in a different type of trap. They fear that the abuse they experience is minor compared to the consequences of trying to leave. In some cases this fear is quite justified. Unfortunately, those who physically abuse their spouses are ticking timebombs and the abuse in almost all cases gets more frequent and severe if they do not get treatment.


- Chameleon
 

Hilander

Free Spirit
Staff member
V.I.P.
I can see where if you are being abused it could hurt your self image. If someone is constantly cutting you down or hitting you telling you that you are worthless its going to have a negative affect on your self esteem.

I heard a man in Walmarts once tell his wife, I assume, she wouldn't look good in this lingerie she was wanting to buy. I thought that is a relationship ending choice of words. She was wanting to wear it for him I assume. I thought I bet you expect her to do things for you but how is she suppose to want to when she knows you think so little of her.

I wouldn't until I got an apology and a lot of making up for a remark like that. You have to feel like your worth something to approach someone for a little lovin in some of that lingerie its so skimpy. Can't be feeling like you don't measure up in your partners eyes and wear something like that.

For many words like that would be a relationship ender. For some though they seem to keep taking it and staying in a relationship where they really aren't wanted or loved. You can't possibly love someone and treat them like crap. I don't think people that are abusive know what real love is.
 

The_Chameleon

Grandmaster
You may be right there. The vast majority of abusers were themselves abused in some way as children. Boys and girls react differently to abuse. Boys tend to hold a bubbling resentment toward the world, which commonly results in them looking for someone they can manipulate into being their physical or emotional outlet (punching bag). Whereas, when girls are abused they tend to turn their feelings inward, reinforcing within themselves feelings of worthlessness which later manifest as they find someone with an abusive character to pick up where the abuser from their childhood left off. It's a contagious sickness of the mind.


- Cham
 

Xaos

New Member
V.I.P.
You may be right there. The vast majority of abusers were themselves abused in some way as children. Boys and girls react differently to abuse. Boys tend to hold a bubbling resentment toward the world, which commonly results in them looking for someone they can manipulate into being their physical or emotional outlet (punching bag). Whereas, when girls are abused they tend to turn their feelings inward, reinforcing within themselves feelings of worthlessness which later manifest as they find someone with an abusive character to pick up where the abuser from their childhood left off. It's a contagious sickness of the mind.


- Cham
All this abusing is making kids so violent.
 

The_Chameleon

Grandmaster
All this abusing is making kids so violent.
There's more to that than abuse. Society has become more and more accepting of violence and graphic gore, including sexual violence in mainstream media. Many argue there is no link between exposure to violent imagery and exhibiting violent behavior. However, when one considers the role of certain hormones in the development of the brain during childhood, and the way in which children associate images and ideas, it would be virtually impossible for there to be no influence from such exposure (especially regular exposure as some children receive from certain games and TV shows). Thus associations between pain and pleasure can become reinforced, either literally or symbolically. Such associations can lead in some people to increased aggression, sadism, masochism, and mild to acute psychosis. On top of this the general stress levels involved with modern day to day life have been going up as time demands, costs of living and debt levels rise among the general population, leading many to seek a convenient outlet for negative emotions. Altogether it's a recipe for rapid social degradation (or as Liberals like to call it, social evolution. :D)


- Cham
 
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Bubbles

I ♥ Haters
I lived it, man. And it was in a long distance relationship... yeah, figure that one out. The dude I was with was AWESOME at gaslighting. (If you haven't seen the movie Gaslight with Lauren Bacall, go watch it right now.) Seriously, he was a pro. No matter what the argument or problem, he always had to spin the shit around to blame me. Even the dudes apologies were caked in shitty passive aggressiveness. This guy took emotional abuse to a whole new level. I took this asshole back after some pretty unforgivable shit. During the 10 months I was was with him, I've had him withdraw affection for no reason, accused me of pinning a suicide attempt on him... Lol someone's a little full of themselves, (here's the biggest kicker of all, while I was in lying on the bathroom floor waiting for the ambulance, he was on a forum, it rhymes with Cock Schmalt, cracking jokes. And before you wonder, yes, he knew what was going on.) But even before that, I'd bring up my suicidal thought patterns or my crippling anxiety, only to be mocked by him. And then there were the hundreds of times he told me that his fantasy football leagues, his PSN trophy collection and a forum he frequently visited were more important than me... Y'know but he was a good guy. And he loved me. And no, he was not a virgin. Dude had been in relationships before, so he knew how much work and dedication they'd take.... Although I think in retrospect most of his "relationships" were just him sticking his dick into anything with 2 legs and a snatch.

But really that's not even the worst part of the abuse. This is a fuck-knucle who treated relationships the way normal people treat a movie. He though it was his god given right to "pause" the relationship whenever it got intense and come back whenever he was comfortable again. And he would come back a month or two later (while I'd be in the process of recovering) and just use these incredibly shitty manipulative tactics to get me back - telling me he loves me, he's sorry, he's never had anyone hate him before (LOL!!), using his family members as emotional bait ("my mom's on your side") and pretty much just about anything else he could use to fetch a reaction out of me. Then there's the "I love you and I'm sorry, let's work this out while I keep my meetme profile active so I can fuck the next fat trailer trash to make eye contact with me" thing. This happened every month for 10 months, people. That kinda shit takes its toll on you. I found it extremely difficult to feel good about myself while I was with this clown. This dude was so fucking toxic that he managed to tap into a deep seated hatred within me. I've been emotionally beaten to the point where if this asshole was to drop dead (please do, if you're reading this) I would literally not give a fuck. A fat and lazy fuck who thinks he's God's gift to women. Lol @ fucking 2s who act like 10s. Get the fuck outta here with that shit.

And I almost forgot, my favorite part of this was the "mutual friends" who would give this guy the green light to come out of hiding to "avoid the drama" - his words not mine. Yeah, because a fat, lazy, narcissistic sociopaths douchebag who uses someone else's emotional crisis to boost his ego is the poor victim in this. But I suppose all you need is good taste in video games and movies and people seem to forget about what a rancid piece of shit you are. Sorry... Not really sorry.

But I think every gray cloud has a silver lining. I mean every chick that was with this shitlord ended up getting married or moving into a LTR, so the next guy I meet is probably gonna be my husband. It can only get better from here. Haha. But after him, I'll settle for a simpleton that doesn't eat his own dandruff.

TL;DR version: Was with a guy who emotionally abused me for 10 months, mocked my suicidal thoughts and tried to boost his ego with by using MY emotional crisis as a crutch. If you're a woman and he contacts you, you should probably run. Like super fast. #realitycheck
 

NewGamePlus

Registered Member
(whole post)
Nice to see that you seem happy in a new relationship now.

Make sure that when the time is right (and try not to take forever), new guy knows about the relationship and not to repeat same or similar things, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

One mistake people make in relationships is taking to long to tell you "what they're running from" so they let way too much time go by before they tell the other person what a lot of their actions are intended to avoid. You might be acting in ways you don't even know you are because of that past relationship, and if the new guy doesn't know it, he could take it as a personal fault of yours. On the other hand, it is nervous telling someone what hurt you in the past because you don't want to put yourself out there and find out that your guy is or is not the same (or different) with absolute confirmation, but in the long run it's better sooner.

Months is probably fine, but definitely don't approach a year (or even HALF) without making sure the new guy knows where your actions come from and what he should himself avoid.

I fell into the trap of things not being told or conveyed to me with any certainty until a good 904 days plus 3 months (at the VERY least, and I'm not doing the math on that) until most important person in my life was finally able to reveal most important issues of theirs. So that's the kind of thing you want to avoid.

Of course it helps when your issues are NORMAL, not very very very very very not-normal or able to be reasonably anticipated, and so... at the risk of calling your past relationship shit "normal", I would say don't let it wait too long. I don't see that much excuse with you there. Again... not to say your shit is "normal", but... it's very "tellable". Easily tellable. By comparison.
 

Bubbles

I ♥ Haters
Nice to see that you seem happy in a new relationship now.

Make sure that when the time is right (and try not to take forever), new guy knows about the relationship and not to repeat same or similar things, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

One mistake people make in relationships is taking to long to tell you "what they're running from" so they let way too much time go by before they tell the other person what a lot of their actions are intended to avoid. You might be acting in ways you don't even know you are because of that past relationship, and if the new guy doesn't know it, he could take it as a personal fault of yours. On the other hand, it is nervous telling someone what hurt you in the past because you don't want to put yourself out there and find out that your guy is or is not the same (or different) with absolute confirmation, but in the long run it's better sooner.

Months is probably fine, but definitely don't approach a year (or even HALF) without making sure the new guy knows where your actions come from and what he should himself avoid.

I fell into the trap of things not being told or conveyed to me with any certainty until a good 904 days plus 3 months (at the VERY least, and I'm not doing the math on that) until most important person in my life was finally able to reveal most important issues of theirs. So that's the kind of thing you want to avoid.

Of course it helps when your issues are NORMAL, not very very very very very not-normal or able to be reasonably anticipated, and so... at the risk of calling your past relationship shit "normal", I would say don't let it wait too long. I don't see that much excuse with you there. Again... not to say your shit is "normal", but... it's very "tellable". Easily tellable. By comparison.
He knows everything. I mean we had talked about toxic relationships even before the first date, but not in great length or detail. When we had the "exclusive" talk, I pretty much laid out what I had just gotten out of and how deeply it had effected me. I laid out my insecurities and fears. Worst case scenario, he thinks I'm broken beyond repair, but I wasn't going to keep him in the dark about who I really was. It was pretty difficult but I mustered up the courage to lift up my sleeve and show him my self harm scars. At first it felt kinda shameful because there's such a stigma attached to depression and shit, but he just kinda sat there and looked at my arm. Finally he just kissed my arm and held me for a while. It was like something out of a movie and it took everything for me to not cry. I knew right then and there that I was safe with him.

Lesson learned: Either shitty relationships make you super cold and uncaring or they make your more understanding and loving. I'm glad it was the second in both our cases.
 
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