100 ways to order a pizza! & Stupid Labels!


Guardian of the Light
before I start I will say that this actually is 100 ways to order a pizza... I know it's hard to believe that there are actually 100 different ways to do it.

here it is.

[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial] 100 Ways to Order a Pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
my favorites are...


has anybody seen this before?

there is also the stupid product labels stuff, I love these...

Warning Labels

Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.

<SCRIPT language='JavaScript1.1'
Product Warnings:

  • "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
  • "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
  • "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
  • "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
  • "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
  • "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
  • "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
  • "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
  • "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
  • "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
  • "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
  • "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
  • "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
  • "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
  • "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
  • "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
  • "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
  • "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
  • "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
  • "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
  • "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
  • "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
  • "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
  • "Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
  • "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
  • "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
  • "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
  • "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
  • "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
  • "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
  • "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
  • "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
  • "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
  • "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
  • "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
  • "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
  • "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
  • "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
  • "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
  • "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
  • "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
  • "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
  • "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
  • "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
  • "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
  • "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
  • "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
  • "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
  • "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
  • "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
  • "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
  • "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
  • "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
  • "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
  • "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
  • "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
  • "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
  • "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
  • "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
  • "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
  • "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
  • "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
  • "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
  • "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
  • "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
  • "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
  • "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
  • "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
  • "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
  • "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
  • "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
  • "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
  • "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
  • "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
  • "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
  • "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
  • "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
  • "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
  • "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
  • "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
  • "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
  • "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
  • "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

  • "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:

  • "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
  • "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
  • "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
  • "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:

  • "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
  • "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
  • "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
  • "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
  • "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
  • "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
  • "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
  • "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
  • "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
  • "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
  • "Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.
Safety Procedures:

  • "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
  • "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

  • "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
  • "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
  • "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
    Covering: 100% Unknown.
    Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
    -- On a pillow.
  • "Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap." -- On the packet for a moist towelette. See a scanned image.

  • "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
  • "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
  • "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
  • "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
  • "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
  • "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
  • "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
  • "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
  • "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
  • "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
  • "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.

this is a pretty long first post so I'll leave it at that, I don't even think that everyone is going to bother to read all of these.
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