Facebook has a tendency to bring out some annoying traits in our friends, family, and contacts in general. Whether you’re new to Facebook, or an expert at this whole “pretend to have an amazing life” thing, chances are you’ve come across a few people who simply leave you questioning your faith in humanity.
A few years ago, I published an article titled “21 Really Annoying Facebook Friends We All Have“. After much thought, reflection, and yes, even some self discovery, I give you a fresh approach at humanity’s love/hate relationship with Facebook: The Quintessential List of Annoying Facebook Friends, updated for 2015. How many of these people do you have on your friends list?
#50. The “Everything I Eat Or Drink Is Epic” Friend
Seriously, these friends are convinced that absolutely everything they eat or drink is epic. You can scroll through their entire Facebook timeline day-by-day to confirm this fact.
#49. The E-Card Friend
These friends aren’t hard to spot. Every single status update they make involves an e-card style image of some sort. These aren’t just the friends who occasionally post a meme, they’re the ones who create their own customized cards and post them daily.
#48. The Condescending Friend
This is the friend who thinks he or she is by far superior to you. Everything they say and do shows this. They are better than you in every way. They don’t care about how their comments will make people feel. They only care about themselves. They often like their own inappropriate statuses too.
#47. The Random Observationalist Friend
Every notice how some of your friends seem to have a lot more free time than you? They won’t straight up tell you this, but they’ll find subtle ways of letting the world know. In case you missed something in life, they’ll be sure you get the memo.
#46. The Wannabe Photographer Friend
This friend just bought their first smart phone and therefore considers it their moral duty to add purpose to their life by documenting the most mundane details. They also think it’s cool to make every picture they take look like it was taken in the 70’s with a crappy camera. They actually believe they are capturing a monumental worthwhile piece of history that will eventually find its way into the museums of the future for generations to come ogle over.
#45. The Stalker Friend
These friends never post on your wall, never really even communicate with you on Facebook, but when you see them in real life, they seem to know absolutely everything you’ve statused for the past year. Awkward, right? You didn’t even realize you still had them on Facebook. Probably a good time to unfriend.
#44. The Refriend
Remember that friend you decided to unfriend a while ago? Well, this friend doesn’t take no for an answer and is back for more rejection. Do you accept their friend request out of pity or do you let bygones be bygones?
#43. The Groupie Friend
These friends like and comment on all of your statuses almost as fast as you can post them. If you’re not sure if you have any Groupie Friends, just post a status and see who replies instantly. Somehow, they are always there within the first 30 seconds or less.
#42. The Wannabe Celebrity Friend
This friend knows all the cool lingo and makes sure every status update of theirs has a hip-hop bent to it. In the more annoying cases of this, they actually hang with celebrities and make sure to play that fact up in all of their statuses.
#41. The “Taking A Break From Facebook” Friend
Everybody needs a break from Facebook from time to time. Most of us just disappear without notice, but not these friends. They’ll not only inform the uncaring general public that they’ll be taking a break, but they’ll share this as if they’ve suddenly had some life-changing epiphany.
Yeah, they’ll be back.
#40. The Birthday Friend
If your friends set their birthday on Facebook, they’ll become this friend exactly once every year. Do you know them well enough to wish them a happy birthday? If you do, will they think you’re closer than you really are? Will they want to do lunch suddenly? Will they be hurt if you ignore them? Do you have to wish them happy birthday on Facebook if you are going to see them in person today? These are some of the most difficult questions in life.
#39. The Personality Quiz Friend
Which Disney Princess are you? Which romantic comedy are you? Not only are these quizzes annoying, but they can’t be taken seriously by anybody over the age of 13. Even so, they don’t seem to be going away any time soon.
#38. The Shockingly Gullible Friend
These people are slowly but surely ruining Facebook for everbody else. Did you know that Facebook is about to charge a thousand dollars per year to use it? They do, and they’ll make sure you know it too. If you don’t have somebody who falls for these chain mail gags on your friends list, consider yourself lucky.
#37. The Journalist Friend
These friends are great. They couldn’t quite land a career in news, but they’re not going to let that stop them from reporting it. It’s as if they don’t realize that news sites exist. Every major news site will have reported on something major 24/7 for the past few days, but when these friends finally learn the news, they’re reporting it days late as if it’s their sole mission in life. After all, if they don’t tell the world, who will?
#36. The Overly Proud Parent Friend
Remember when you only had to look at pictures of your friends’ kids once a year in a Christmas letter? Those days are long gone. Today, thanks to Facebook, this has become an epidemic. With the dawn of readily available consumer photo and video sharing options, this problem isn’t going away soon. Nowadays, you’ll be kept apprised of your friends’ kids meal schedules, potty training, and everything in-between. (And of course their profile picture is a picture of their kid, not them.)
#35. The Guilt Trip Friend
The world is full of heartless people. These people aren’t among them though. They care too much, and they’ll judge you if you don’t care too. If you don’t share their status, they’ll make you feel like not just a bad person, but an evil person. The images they want you to share are always very ugly too…
#34. The Constantly Negative Friend
These friends mistake Facebook for a support group as opposed to 400 or 500 so-called friends that, in reality, they hardly know. If they’re posting a status, it’s informing the world how down they are about this or that. Show these people that you care by liking their status. Yep, that won’t look awkward at all…
#33. The “Facebook Official After One Date” Friend
These friends are constantly in new relationships and then single again on Facebook. They won’t ever admit it, but we all know they’re adding their dating relationships literally as they are on their first date, sometimes even before. People, one date doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. In fact, if you’re still counting the dates, you’re not in a relationship.
#32. The Pyramid Scheme Friend
This friend has something to sell and doesn’t care if the whole world knows it. They’ll try to get all of their friends to jump on board with the latest and greatest money making program out there. Do you really need what they’re selling? They think you do, and they’ll have you buying in in no time at all…
#31. The Animal Lover Friend
This friend is always posting weird pictures of their pets. If only we all loved their pet as much as they did. Then, these pictures might actually be welcome. At any rate, these friends obviously have too much time on their hands. They’ll even make their pet their profile picture.
#30. The “I Love My Job” Friend
Times are tough. Good jobs are hard to come by. So, if you happen to be among the lucky few who have a job that you love, nobody will mind if you constantly flaunt it on a daily basis, right? Your friends will be happy for you, right? Wrong. We were marginally happy for you when you posted that you got the job 5 years ago. We don’t need to hear about it every day.
#29. The Gaming App Friend
You’ll be sitting there, minding your own business, perhaps getting ready to eat some #EpicToast or share a meme (you know, important stuff like that), and suddenly Facebook tells you that you have a new notification. A smile slowly forms on your face. Somebody must have liked your status from a few minutes ago. Nope! It’s one of your grown-up adult friends sending you a legitimate invite to play some game that 4-year-olds are already too old for.
#28. The Overworked Friend
This person works 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 366 days out of the year. They have absolutely no free time, whatsoever. How do you know? Because, they’ll post this on Facebook 4 or 5 times a day, maybe even more if it’s a SUPER busy day and they literally have no free time at all.
#27. “I Want You To Think I’m In Amazing Shape” Friend
These friends are the ones who we all know never work out, or at least rarely work out. One thing is for sure though, they’ve never posted a single picture of them in beach attire. For a moment, you might actually think they must be in great shape underneath that sweatshirt, but you know better.
#26. The “I Actually Am In Amazing Shape” Friend
Perhaps even more annoying than the “I Want You To Think I’m In Amazing Shape” friends are the ones who actually are. They won’t always post about working out as much as “I Want You To Think I’m In Amazing Shape” friend, but 9 times out of 10 they’ll still let you know how many times a day they are doing P90X or whatever other workout program is all the rage at the time. Additionally, every picture of them is shirtless (guys) or semi-shirtless (ladies). They could be going out to eat at a nice restaurant and they’d still manage to find a way to show you their lats in the picture.
#25. The Play-By-Play Friend
These are the friends who post live commentary on sporting events and other live events. If you’re recording the game and don’t want it ruined for you, these friends’ statuses scare you. If you’re not into sports and are trying to ignore the sports season, these are the friends you outright feel like blocking for half of the year.
#24. The Spoiler Friend
Remember that time you spent several years of your life watching your favorite TV show live every week just to make sure you wouldn’t hear any spoilers from friends? Well, remember how something came up during the finale and you had to record it? If so, then you certainly remember this friend. This friend might also be referred to as the terribly inconsiderate friend. If you still have them on your friends list, then you deserve it the next time this happens to you…
#23. The “My Life Is A Reality Show” Friend
This friend thinks they are the center of the universe. They have absolutely no understanding of the “need to know” concept, and post all day long about what they are doing that very minute.
#22. The Internet Meme Friend
We get it. Short, witty blocks of text on popular images from around the web are fun. Our friends who share these all day long, however, are annoying. If we wanted to turn off our brain for a bit, we know how to go to Google Images ourselves.
#21. The “I Should Actually Be A Fan Page” Friend
We all know these types. All they do is plug their stuff or plug some creative project they’re working on. This friend is sometimes the Popular Friend who is working on an album or something of that nature. Even so, all they ever use Facebook for is to plug their stuff.
#20. The “Personal Message in Public” Friend
If you value your privacy, especially about potentially embarrassing subjects, these friends are your worst nightmare. As if gossiping wasn’t bad enough, these friends will gossip about your deepest darkest secrets with your other friends, right there in the open for all to see. If you’re lucky, they won’t know how to tag you. If you’re not so lucky? Well, let’s just say you’re not going to like what that little red notification icon brings you today.
#19. The “Blast From The Past” Friend
Remember back when you had braces and looked like a science experiment from Edward Scissorhands? Neither do your friends, let alone your new friends. After all, that happened before the days of Facebook and social networking, so you’re safe… right? Wrong, my friend. If you have a “Blast From The Past” friend on your friend list, your friends could see a picture of you in all of your former glory any moment. The picture will show today’s date, so unless you look a lot older now, your new friends might think this was just the other day…
#18. The Conspiracy Theory Friend
This friend watches too many movies (or listens to too much underground radio talk shows). Did you know that the government is running secret concentration camps in the basement of most large malls for people who don’t purchase health insurance? Every day these people are riding some crazy theory train and spewing it on all of our walls.
#17. The Random Friend
You have absolutely no clue who this person is, but they’re on your friend list. One day, you’ll run into this person at a party and you’ll both act like you don’t know each other. Clarifying the situation would be too awkward. You were going to unfriend them, but now you have to wait at least a few weeks, since you just saw them in person.
#16. The “Like This Or Bust” Friend
Let’s face it, everybody likes a nice virtual pat on the back from time to time. If others “like” your status, you feel accomplished and approved of, right? Well, these people take it to the next level. If a status of theirs goes unliked for too long, they’ll delete their original and repost it hoping more people see it the second or third time. If they repost it a few times and still don’t receive a single like, they’ll delete the post altogether and pretend it never happened. (Fun fact: If you haven’t refreshed your timeline, you’ll spot these people easily enough even after they delete their status.)
#15. The “I Have a Better Social Life Than You” Friend
This friend lets you know how awesome their social life is and doesn’t let you forget it. Every few days, and sometimes even multiple times per day, they’ll post about something amazing that they did. Then they’ll downplay it a bit so you don’t feel too bad. Either that or they actually want you to somehow find it in your heart to feel bad for them.
#14. The Political Hijacker Friend
Everybody has run into these from time to time. You’ll share an innocent fun status and then log off of Facebook for a few hours. When you come back, Facebook lets you know that there have been several replies to your status… it must have been a huge hit! Excitedly, you click only to realize that one of your friends has totally ruined your status and made enemies with a few of your other friends…
#13. The Hacked Friend
This friend doesn’t know the first thing about password and login security. Their friends get them good every few weeks at a minimum, and even though the hack status could be embarrassing, they just leave it on their timeline so they can reply.
#12. The Ridiculously Photogenic Friend
This friend manages to look like a model in every picture they post on Facebook. Their hair is perfect. Their teeth are perfect. Their skin is perfect. They are everything you wish you were and so much more. They are the coolest people in the world. They don’t even have to status about it. Their multiple new profile pictures per day say a thousand words.
#11. The Popular Friend
This friend has more friends than Ryan Seacrest. Even their really stupid updates get more likes and comments than your entire Facebook account has ever had, and that’s all within the first few minutes of them telling the world their random thoughts.
#10. The Twitter Synced Friend
These friends either don’t know how to use Facebook, or don’t know how to use Twitter. One thing is for sure though, they love hash tags and are as annoying as all get out. It’s even worse when you follow them on Twitter as well and get both updates at the same time.
#9. The “I Like Stupid Stuff” Friend
There’s really no escaping these friends. Sooner or later, you’re bound to be graced by the presence of a Facebook ad that you hate, all because of one of your friends felt the need to like something stupid. Yes, you can hide the ad, but these friends don’t typically stop with one stupid “like”. A few days later, another suggested ad will rear its ugly head and say “Your friend likes me and you should too!”. Yeah, no.
#8. The Intellectually Superior Friend
These friends are always posting inspirational or theological quotes originally said by people much smarter than all of us. These friends might actually be intellectuals, but that’s not really what’s important here. The important thing is that you think they are intellectuals.
#7. The Trendy Friend
Is this dress blue and black or white and gold? What color is your bra? It seems like every few months a giant trend wave overtakes Facebook for a day or so with no explanation. Without fail, at least one of your friends will be in on this from the get-go, but not you. No, that would be too easy. Why is everybody posting one word? Why is everybody changing their profile picture to a cartoon character? What is going on! Calm down, young grasshopper. It’ll all be over in a few short days.
#6. The “My Life Is Better Than Yours” Friend
We all have at least a few of these people on our friend list. All they ever have to say is how great their life is. They won’t just say it’s great though. They’ll throw a little humble pie into the mix so it doesn’t look like they are bragging. Even so, literally every status update they post is better than your entire life has been so far.
#5. The World Traveler Friend
Everybody knows somebody with a travel bug. These people seem to be on constant vacation mode. They even take vacations from their vacations. You always know where these friends are because they post play-by-play updates on their journeys, often times down to the wonderful feeling of the sand between their toes.
#4. TheImReallyTwoPeople Friend
There are few things more annoying in life than the Hollywood celebrity super couple concept. Brangelina, TomKat, etc. One of the things that actually is more annoying is when average, regular, every-day people think they are cool enough to pull this off. Do they share the same tooth brush too? The worst part is that their user names never work with Facebook’s name guidelines, so they’re always leaving out spaces and forcing their names together. Please people. One Facebook account per person.
#3. The “I’m Much Richer Than You” Friend
This friend is loaded and they want the whole world to know it. They won’t quite say “I’m much richer than you”, but they’ll drop little hints from time to time.
#2. The Party Friend
This friend is always partying it up, rain, hail, snow, or shine. It could be 2 in the afternoon and they’ve managed to figure out a way to find themselves in an embarrassing party picture showcasing their poor judgement (or “pour” judgement) for all to see.
#1. The “Get A Room” Friend
These are easily the most annoying friends you can have on Facebook, especially if you’re single. They aren’t hard to find. Look for your friends who are in relationships. If you’re not sure if one of your friends is dating somebody, then they most likely aren’t in this category. If you and the whole world knows how much in love they are, then you might have some “Get A Room” friends. They are always posting intimate and romantic messages on each other’s public timelines and they usually have their privacy settings set to either global or friends of friends. They also usually have very “clingy” profile pictures of themselves as a couple.
But wait, there’s one friend that tops the rest. As annoying as all of our Facebook friends can be, if we’re all truly honest with ourselves, we wouldn’t trade them for not having friends on Facebook at all. This of course brings us to our final friend…
BONUS: The “Too Good For Facebook” Friend
While not technically an “Annoying Facebook Friend”, Mr. or Mrs. “Too Good For Facebook” annoys us more than everybody else on this list for some reason. Maybe it’s because we’re jealous of their super-human ability to resist social networking, or maybe it’s just because we wish they were here suffering with us too. Perhaps one day they will join the ranks of the rest of the online world. Until then, we hope they enjoy their elite club.
If you didn’t make it halfway through this list without getting confused and thinking that you were actually on Facebook looking at your own friend’s status updates, perhaps it’s time to delete some friends. If you found that you fall into several of these categories, perhaps it’s time to take a good hard look in the mirror (and then pull out your cell phone, snap a duck face photo, and save it as your new profile picture).
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Article Copyright © PopMalt 2015. Title Picture Art By Mike S. Miller